May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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