dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
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His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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