Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
