chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
