I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Everything about him screamed your future.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize