since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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