I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
