I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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