Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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