Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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