So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
