she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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