So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
