Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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