I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
