I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
