Fine. I'll sleep in my office
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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