You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
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When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
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I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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