Dude my mom stole all your condoms
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
