The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Plan B is the new Plan A
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Randomize
