I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
