She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
