matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
