I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
