I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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