why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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