i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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