i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
