i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
