My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
