So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
