my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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