first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
