I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
