I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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