Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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