My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
