i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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