I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize