we're making bets on your personal life
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
