i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
