My underwear smells like fireworks.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
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He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
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Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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