I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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