I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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