i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
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