i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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