Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
