i will never coherently bang her
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
