My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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