Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
