Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
