Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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