i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
