I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
