I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
