My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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