True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
He uses pillows to masturbate.
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today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
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Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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