Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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