I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
