Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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